My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
