3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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