party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
