mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
