He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
