I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
