One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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