They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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