And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
