i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
its liver damage thursday
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
