He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
