When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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