if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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