yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
