im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
