My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
