Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
