i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
