I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
