Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
this will be a night to untag.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
