Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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