Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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