I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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