My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
