Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have demons in me.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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