I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
