sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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