You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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