Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
