yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Who died my cat blue again?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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