I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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