hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dear god my vagina.
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