last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
