my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
