I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
