i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
