He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
