idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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