so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
