worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
COCAINE IS GR8
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
