True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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