Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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