i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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