FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
