I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
