Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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