i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
