It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
