if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
