What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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