my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
