last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
